"Father, I have an issue... I baptized him at home myself, just in case... But we also wanted him to be properly baptized in the church..." Baptism "quietly", baptism "just in case" - Fr. Michał talks about very important conversations with parishioners.
Conversation 1: let's baptize the child "quietly"
– Please, priest, in this case... This is our beloved grandson.
– Beautiful boy, bless you! May I help you?
- Well, this one... We need to baptize him, priest, because he's almost a year old. And his parents are not married and... Will a priest baptize him? Yes, you know, priest, quietly, without writing anything down anywhere. Just to be baptized.
I look, I listen and I begin to understand. But just in case, I ask:
- And do they, your children, know that you are here?
They glance at each other and I already know. I'm stating more than actually asking,
"They don't want to baptize him, do they?"
– Well, they don't want to. At least for now... - she, the grandmother, quickly interjects - You know, times like these, young people these days...
I feel sad and hard. I have to tell them that I will not baptize their grandson . Neither me nor, I hope, any other priest. Because that's not allowed. The parents' right to decide about their child's upbringing - including religious upbringing or lack thereof - is sacred. Sacred and first, because it comes from human nature. It is earlier than the sacraments of the Church.
It's not even about the fact that statutory law prohibits baptizing a baby against the will of its parents. But that it would be deeply unfair - both to his parents and to himself. It would also be wicked towards God. By His establishment, parents have the primary right to raise their child and make decisions about him/her also in matters related to the confession and practice of religion or the lack thereof - until the young person achieves the ability to make such decisions on his/her own.
It makes me sad and hard because I know it won't be easy for them to understand. They mean well. It is quite difficult for them to understand why their children do not go to church or even openly declare their disbelief. They blame the times, the culture, the world or themselves: where did we go wrong? What did we do wrong? They mean well.
They may not be able to precisely express the theology of the sacrament of baptism, but they are deeply convinced that baptism is fundamental. They cannot imagine that their beloved grandson, the apple of their eye, will grow up unbaptized.
When I start talking, they look like two cut flowers, like two suddenly brutally extinguished candles. She has tears in her eyes. He falls silent with that characteristic silence of a helpless man who, with his whole being, is unwilling and unable to come to terms with the failure of his best efforts. I can already see that he will resent me. I see. She tries again. Or maybe it's not even an attempt to convince me - as if it depended on me - but her sincere fear and concern for this child:
– Please, priest… What if… If, God forbid, something happened to him. Then what? He was then... Unbaptized... - If looks could freeze, he, the grandfather, would have me on my conscience. I see that he is looking at the murderer of his grandson - as if, at least at this very moment, I was drowning the young man with a charred pitchfork in the central cauldron of hell. This is not the time or place for a precise theological argument. This is especially true when referring to the Catechism or the Code of Canon Law. It must be concise, clear and heartfelt.
– You love him and want the best for him. You don't care about yourself as much as you care about him. I know, I can see. So be assured that God loves him infinitely more than you. And that God cares about him infinitely more than you do. He won't let go of it. She won't forget about him. He will fight for him. He will be waiting for him. He will seek it and call it to Himself in a thousand ways. One of these ways will be your love, your faith and your testimony. Your grandson will grow also looking at you. Over time, he will understand more and more. He will start asking questions. First, very simple. But over time, it becomes more serious and deeper. It's not about you doing some religious "guerrilla" under the nose of his parents. It would only divide you and distance you from them and him. Hang in there. God knows your best desires. And he knows your pain. This pain will not remain fruitless because it is out of love. This will one day "resound" in your grandson's life. It will bear fruit. I don't know if you'll see it. But nothing that comes from love remains fruitless.
What if… – I can see they are waiting, especially her. – If something happened... God really cares about him. And God will find a way. God who gave us the sacraments is not bound by the sacraments. He can and can act above them. They are the most effective, surest way to Him. But He, God, can find infinitely many other paths to us, if the path of the sacraments is impossible for some reason...
Have I convinced them? I don't know. I kind of hope so. And I doubt it a bit. They thank you – politely, politely, but perfunctorily. They are thrilled. Are they calmed down? At least a little. Perhaps behind the door he will say: "Iii, young man, he doesn't know anything and is probably afraid. We'll go to the parish priest..."
Conversation 2: “Just in Case” Baptism
– Father, I have a question - the lady is determined, but a little shy at first, but with each word she gains more verve. – My daughter-in-law doesn't want to let us baptize our grandson! She's the one... Orthodox. And I don't want to hear about baptism! He can be baptized without it, right?
– Well, not really. And the son? Would he like to baptize the child?
– He… He doesn't mind… I mean, yes, he would like to, of course…
In other words, to put it briefly and nastily: he doesn't care. The child's mother does not want to be baptized in the Catholic Church - no wonder, since she is Orthodox herself - and the father is at best "hanging and waving", he is not particularly interested, but he will allow his mother, the child's grandmother, not to drill a hole in his stomach. Beautiful...
- You cannot baptize a child without the consent of both parents , ma'am. I'm sorry because I understand that you care very much. You are a believer and you want the best for your baby. But the parents must reach an agreement on this matter, because it is their child and only they can decide... But together.
The lady is not satisfied with my approach to the topic. This wasn't what she was counting on. It would be closer to the truth to say that I disappointed her greatly. Emotions prevail and thanks to this I learn a few more details of the family "idyll":
- Can we get along? How are they supposed to get along when she took the baby and left? She said she would come back, but she left for now... - The lady stops in a slightly calmer tone, realizing that she doesn't need to tell me this.
– Well, there's no point in baptism for now, since there is no child. But maybe it's worth thinking and talking to her whether she would agree to be baptized in the Orthodox Church ...?
I guess I might as well suggest launching the baby into space, or dropping a cocked grenade at her feet. My interlocutor looks on in horror and is left speechless. But only for a moment…
– In the church?! How is it in church?! Where?! After all, we are all Catholics, Poles! And they, the Orthodox… They baptize children?!
– Well, they baptize, they baptize. Just like us. And this is just as important as baptism. The same thing "counts" with God. And since the child is there anyway - I know I'm treading on dangerous ground - it's probably with the mother for now and things may be different, but she will raise it more... At least for now... - I add to reassure her. – So maybe it's better to try to convince her to be baptized in the Orthodox church than to leave the baby without baptism at all?
It turns out that my interlocutor still has an ace up her sleeve. And I admit that she made an impression on me:
- Well, I don't know, I don't know. But if the priest says so... I actually give it to him for good luck - it's the ace, mind you! – I baptized myself at home, just in case… But we also wanted to do it properly in church…
I gasp for air and probably return the exact same look she gave me a moment ago.
- What…? What did you do?
– Oh... I baptized him... At home... Alone - he clearly doesn't feel that anything is wrong. She's even a little proud.
- But how? How? Why? Was there any danger? Was your grandson at risk of death?
- No no no. Everything's all right. A healthy boy, Father, it's nice to see him! A good four kilos at birth.
– …?
– Well, I baptized him just in case, just in case… But… – he falls silent for a moment; I think she's just realizing that she doesn't really know what to think about her hausgemacht baptisms.
I groaned inwardly. But we have to get out of this somehow. First, it must be determined whether baptism actually took place.
- All right. I mean, it's not good. Very. But what did you actually do? How did you baptize him? How did it look like?
– Yep... Well, I sprinkled him with holy water and said: "Your name is Tomasz"... - she looks expectantly. I breathe a sigh of relief.
– Is that exactly what you did and said?
– Yes, as I tell the priest.
– Well, luckily you didn't baptize him. And please don't try again, because it's not allowed .
I will explain further briefly, as in the previous conversation. For a moment I think whether I should explain to her that baptism is done by pouring water on the head three times and saying the appropriate sacramental formula at the same time: N., I baptize you in the name of the Father [first pouring of the head], and of the Son [second pouring of the head], and of the Holy Spirit [ third pouring of the head]. But in the end I give up. I have a serious suspicion that she would go straight home and at the earliest opportunity use the kitchen tap to complete the previously "botched" job...
He leaves, declaring his understanding and readiness to negotiate with his daughter-in-law regarding baptism in the Orthodox Church. But what is in his heart and mind, God only knows. I cannot penetrate it. She also wanted and wants well. Maybe more from the heart than from the head, but really sincerely.
Neglected catechesis of adults
By the way, I am now discovering - and these are not only the two conversations I have had in recent months (how many of them are there?) - that we have a seriously neglected entire "section" of adult catechesis. However, it would be good for a believer to know how to validly baptize someone in danger of death . But equally important, he should not treat baptism as a quasi- magical act...
I don't talk politics during Sunday sermons (not during the week either); I am not concerned with the validity of wearing masks and vaccinations; I don't analyze social and cultural trends very carefully; I do not instruct how to exorcise a hamster... I try to explain and reflect with people on the Word of God given to us in the liturgy and look for ways to surrender to it and live it in everyday life.
But it looks like I should seriously think about including practical basics of sacramentology in my sermons ... And I'm not the only one. And then the pope will tell you that a sermon should not last longer than ten minutes...