Snooping in your spouse's laptop: simple curiosity or espionage? In both cases, it is good to wonder about the motivations of this gesture which can reveal a dysfunction in the couple but also the simple need to be reassured.
Anew word for a practice that is not new: “ snooping ” (from to snoop = to spy, snoop). It designates the fact of consulting the mobile phone of one's spouse without his knowledge: sms, emails, call log, photo gallery, social networks, websites visited, etc., out of simple curiosity or in case of doubt.
In the past, we intercepted a letter or searched a desk, today we scan the screen of a smartphone in search of a suspicious photo or text message. The suspicion of infidelity is not the only motivation. This can also concern the expenses incurred by the spouse, denigrating messages to relatives, frequenting pornographic sites, checking his agenda, even installing a geolocation app.
A study by Ifop published this Thursday, May 11 for Le Journal du Geek shows that this practice is relatively widespread among French couples: four out of ten French people indicate that they have already searched their spouse's laptop. And it is young women who are most likely to monitor their partner's digital practices: 67% of women under 35 say they have already done so.
A generational phenomenon
"It is clear that snooping is a generational phenomenon closely linked to the importance that smartphones have taken on in the daily lives of young people, an essential communication tool that contains the essentials - photos, messages, social networks... - of their intimate life. Private messages are thus those which are the most watched without the knowledge of the other”, deciphers Louise Jussian, in charge of studies at Ifop.
For Marie-Claire de Laforcade, marriage and family counselor in Sartrouville within the Cabinet Raphaël , this is a temptation at all times, that of "mastering everything, the other and the relationship". Nevertheless, this desire to know everything about the other is now biased and accentuated by digital habits. “With social networks, intimacy is already broken”, she underlines. “It is more and more difficult to respect privacy since everything is published, shared, posted. Everything can be seen. We are always pushing the limits of intimacy further. Are we even aware that the cell phone of the other is part of his privacy? “, she asks.
The expression of a need
Consulting your spouse's cell phone in secret is not insignificant. "We don't do this by chance," says Marie-Claire de Laforcade. It is good to ask what are the deep motivations. What is the goal ? What is the intention behind the gesture? What are the underlying fears? “There is necessarily a motivation behind it, even if it is unfounded. If in some cases the doubt is true, in other cases it is a personal injury that makes you feel insecure.
“I hear a lot, in consultation, about fears of abandonment. Searching in the cell phone of the other comes from the desire to reassure oneself: “yes, I am the only one or the only one in his life”, explains the adviser. In this case, it is important to identify this need and ask yourself: what do I need to secure myself? Because there are other ways to find out that you are loved than to snoop around your spouse's laptop.
“There is no love without trust,” writes Musset ( Le fils du Titien ). Interfering, without being invited, in the intimacy of the other, damages the bond of trust necessary for the vitality of the couple. Regrettable consequence of the desire to reassure oneself at all costs. " You do not trust me ? is entitled to ask the suspected or geolocated spouse. Difficult afterwards to restore mutual trust.
Restore trust
To achieve this, communication within the couple is essential. Have I been able to express my doubts, my fears, my needs to my spouse? And in particular the need to know that you are loved. Does he know my language of love, to respond to this immense need, present in every human being, to know that he is loved? Do I need more words of appreciation, gifts or gestures of tenderness from him to be sure of his love? For his part, the spouse whose intimacy has been "violated" can ask the other: what is happening between us that you were able to authorize yourself to do this? What are you missing ?
In the event that the " snooping " reveals a lie or infidelity, trust is put to the test. “A single lie destroys the absolute confidence which, for certain souls, is the very foundation of love,” Balzac believes ( Autre Etude de femme ). The consequences can be serious for the couple, and the wounds deep.
"I always think about it," confides Laurène*, who surprised her husband, from the start of their marriage, looking at the profiles of women on a dating site. It was years ago but the injury is still there. "Yes forgiveness is possible, trust can be restored, but it takes time, honesty, and a work of truth until you can say: 'this hurt me but I forgive you'", underlines Marie -Claire de Laforcade.
* Name has been changed.
Click to -> Discover also twelve thoughts of holy couples on marital love: https://fr.aleteia.org/slideshow/douze-pensees-des-couples-saints-sur-lamour-conjugal/
